Behind the Palace Walls Page 16

  When the driver pulled in front of the soaring glass and steel building in the Presnensky district, Paige counted out the rubles from her purse and stepped onto the sidewalk. The noise of the city was somewhat jarring after she’d spent so many quiet weeks in the country. Cars shot by, the older ones belching fumes, and men and women hurried up and down the sidewalks, talking on cell phones, gesturing wildly as they strode along. She remembered that life, though it seemed like a distant memory now. Once, she’d been the one in a suit and tennis shoes, rushing down the sidewalk with a tray of coffee she’d picked up at the nearest Starbucks.

  She didn’t miss the economic uncertainty of that life, but she did miss Mavis and the other friends she’d made at work. Even Mr. Ramirez, who she’d barely known. He’d been so kind to her when she was new and ill, before she found out she was pregnant. He’d paid her the hours, as he’d said he would, but when she cashed the check, she sent that portion back since she hadn’t earned it.

  She missed that life in some ways, the one where she mattered to people and where they valued her. She wanted Alexei to value her. But if he did not, if he would not, she was better off in Dallas, sitting in her cubicle and struggling to make ends meet. At least her life would be her own. Though it pained her to think it, she knew she had the strength. She loved Alexei, but if he did not—or would not—love her, then she would insist on making her own choices instead of meekly waiting in St. Petersburg for him to return.

  Paige went into the sleek lobby and marched up to the front desk. A woman with a headset looked up, smiled briefly and then continued talking on the phone. When she finally finished, she asked what she could do to help.

  “I’m here to see Prince Voronov,” Paige said.

  Even the woman’s frown was friendly. “I am afraid that is not possible, madam. His schedule is booked solid today. If you would care to make an appointment?”

  “No, I would not. I am his wife, and I want to see him now, please.” She tried so hard to be cool and collected, but her stomach was burning and she realized now how ridiculous it seemed for a woman to march into the lobby and claim to be Alexei’s wife. If she truly were his wife, wouldn’t she know where to go and how to find him? Wouldn’t she at least have his cell phone number?

  The woman smiled the bland, noncommittal smile of an efficient receptionist. “Please wait over there,” she said, gesturing to a row of low bench seats along one glass wall.

  Paige started to argue, but what good would it do? Instead she marched over and sank onto the white leather bench as gracefully as she could manage. She was beginning to wish she’d stayed in St. Petersburg. At least she could lie in bed and wait for this queasiness to go away.

  She didn’t know how long she waited, but she knew before he arrived that he’d come for her. There was an electric disturbance in the air, the crackle and snap of fury that preceded him like a wave.

  And then he was in the lobby, striding toward her, his face dark and hard.

  “Are you out of your mind?” he snapped, the words cracking through the air like a whip.

  “Maybe I am,” she said. She wanted to get up and jab her finger into his chest, to demand to know why he’d left, but she didn’t have the energy.

  She’d come here to be strong, to demand he not withdraw from the life they’d been building. She’d come here to assert herself and fight for her husband.

  But now she was tired and aching and she just wanted to lie down and sleep. Perhaps she’d picked up a summer cold, or eaten something bad.

  He reached for her. “Come, I’m sending you to my apartment. When I’m finished here, I’ll join you.”

  “Fine,” she said, though she wasn’t sure she believed him. He would board a plane to St. Petersburg and leave her here, she was certain. Anything to get away from her.

  Even with his hand on her elbow, it was a struggle to stand. It took her a moment to realize that she was wet, that she must have sat in someone’s spilled drink. Why hadn’t she noticed when she first sat down?

  “Alexei,” she started to say.

  But the color drained from his face until he was as white as the bench seat. “My God, Paige,” he croaked.

  She followed his gaze downward as warmth spread along her legs. It took her a moment to understand the meaning of the small drops of red on the floor between her feet. When she did, a cracked scream wrenched from her suddenly dry throat.

  It was all his fault. He’d been a fool, an ass, an arrogant unfeeling brute. Alexei shoved trembling fingers through his hair. Why had he left her like that? Why hadn’t he realized it was the wrong thing to do? Why hadn’t he brought her with him? He’d intended to go back tonight, but if he were honest with himself, he knew he’d have found a reason not to.

  Why?

  Because he was a coward. Because he didn’t want to face his feelings and fears. He was very good at running from emotions he didn’t want to feel. He’d been doing it for years, subsisting on hate and ambition, and it had finally taken its toll.

  Not only on him, but also on Paige and their child.

  In that moment when he’d seen the blood on the seat and floor, he’d believed his world had come crashing down around him. He’d thought he was losing her, and he’d offered up everything he had—every ruble, every ounce of success, everything—if only God would listen to his plea and spare her life.

  Someone had listened, because she was fine. She and the baby both. Relief had made him so weak he couldn’t stand when the doctor gave him the news. The bleeding was stabilized, and there had been no contractions, which was a good sign. The doctor said she could go home, but she was on strict bed rest for the next month.

  A nurse came and told him he could go into Paige’s room now. Alexei pushed open the door to find Paige sitting on the bed, dressed in the clothes he’d had sent over for her, her hands clenched in her lap.

  His throat closed up. “You look pale, lyubimaya moya.”

  “I’m sorry, Alexei,” she said, her eyes red and swollen from crying. “I put our baby in danger and I can never forgive myself—”

  Her voice broke and he went and wrapped his arms around her, tucked her head against his chest. His heart raced as he stroked the glorious, fragrant silk of her hair. “Do not cry, Paige. It’s bad for the baby.”

  She made a strangled sound against him. He felt the reverberations through his body and knew that, once more, he’d said the wrong thing.

  “It’s bad for you, too,” he amended. “Please don’t do anything that’s bad for you.”

  She clutched his shirt as she took deep, steadying breaths. “No, of course. You’re right. I have to be careful, for both of us.”

  “For all of us.”

  They stayed like that for a long time, with him stroking her hair, and her holding tight to him.

  “I didn’t want you to stay away,” she said softly. “That’s why I followed you to Moscow. I don’t want to do this alone, Alexei. I want what we’ve had for the past few weeks.”

  He couldn’t speak, could only hold her close and comfort himself with the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest. She was alive, breathing.

  She pushed away from him. He let her go, uncertain of what she wanted from him and unwilling to upset her again. She looked so beautiful sitting there, so pale and fragile, that he wanted to pull her into his arms again and never let go.

  “No, that’s not true,” she said, shaking her head, and his heart dropped. She’d decided that she didn’t love him, that she didn’t need or want him after all. It was his punishment for what he’d put her through, for his stubbornness and inability to see the truth.

  “Tell me what you want and it is yours,” he said. Even if she wanted to leave him, he would do his utmost to allow her to go. Whatever it took to make her happy.

  Her expression grew suddenly fierce. “I want more, Alexei. I want you to feel what I feel. I don’t want to live with a man who doesn’t love me. I’ve spent my adult life pleasing others, and
I’m ready for someone to please me. It’s my turn to have it all. And if you can’t give that to me, then I want to know it. Because, though I love you, I won’t stay in your palace and your bed and hope that one day you’ll love me, too.”

  She was so fierce, his wife. So amazing and fierce and wonderful. And he would do anything to make her happy. Anything.

  The feeling sweeping through him was so strong that his vision narrowed, as if he would collapse if he didn’t give it voice. “I love you,” he said. But the words sounded choked, rusted through. “I love you,” he said again, stronger this time.

  She looked hopeful. And then, just as quickly, hope faded. “You’re just saying it because you know I want to hear it.”

  He couldn’t blame her for thinking such a thing. She knew him to be ruthless and determined, willing to use her for information, willing to do whatever it took to win. Why wouldn’t he say the words he knew she wanted to hear if it benefited him to do so?

  He had to make her believe, had to prove to her how hard this was for him and how utterly certain he was that it was right. Alexei dropped to his knees in front of her. Her eyes widened as he clasped her hands in his. Then he bent until his forehead touched her knees.

  “I’m no good at this,” he said, his heart feeling like a dead weight in his chest. “I don’t know how to tell you that you are the most important thing to me, that I was dead inside until you crashed into my life. I don’t know how to say the right words, Paige. Ti nuzhna mne, ya tebya lyublyu. That is all I have, all I know.”

  “What did you say to me?” she asked, her voice soft and thready.

  He looked up, his gaze clashing with hers. “I said that I need you, that I love you.”

  “I want to believe you, but so much has happened, Alexei.” Her smoky eyes were sad, haunted.

  “For you,” he vowed, “I will go to see Chad and Elena.”

  She withdrew her hand from his grip, smoothed it along his jaw. “Oh, Alexei.” Her eyes filled with new tears. It gave him hope like he’d never had before. “I want you to see them because you want to, because you believe it will enrich your life to do so, but not because it’s something you think I expect of you.”

  He understood what she was saying, and yet he knew that it was right. That he wanted to do this for himself as much as for her and their child.

  “I’ve had time to consider many things these past few hours,” he told her. “When I thought I might lose you, I realized how closed off I have become, how alone. I thought you and the baby would be enough for me—and you are—but I also realized that you are right. I have hated the Russells for fifteen years, and I believed they hated me. Perhaps they still do. But I’m tired of hating. I have no more use for it.”

  He drew in a breath, more certain of this than he’d ever been. “I will see them, Paige, because you have convinced me it is the right thing to do. And I will know, once I’ve done so, that no matter what happens, I made the effort.”

  “You really mean it,” she said wonderingly.

  “Da, I do.”

  “But why do you love me now,” she said, as if she still couldn’t fathom that he could truly be in love with her. “If you are simply trying to keep me happy until the baby comes, I’d rather you didn’t. I don’t want to be lied to.”

  Alexei got to his feet. This part was easy, comparatively speaking. “I understand why you are skeptical,” he said. He spread a hand along her jaw, cupped her lovely face as he skimmed his thumb over her cheek, her soft brow. “But, Paige, I have been drawn to you from the first moment I met you. You are unlike anyone I’ve ever known. You are so fierce and strong, yet you don’t seem to always know it. You are uncertain of yourself sometimes, uncertain of your beauty and appeal, and you have the kindest heart of anyone I know. You cry over art, you laugh like an angel, and you’d fight to the death to protect those you love.”

  The tears were flowing down her cheeks now, and he wiped them away with his thumbs. “Shh, please don’t cry, Paige. It breaks my heart when you cry.”

  “I can’t help it,” she said, shaking her head.

  “I love you, Paige, and it terrifies me to say this. Because everyone I’ve ever loved has left me, and I’ve had to carry on without them, missing them, knowing I failed to do all I could for them. I don’t wish to fail you, Paige, or to live without you. I need you too much.”

  She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tight. “I love you, Alexei. So much. And I don’t believe we need to be scared of love. We have to take what it gives us and be happy. If we do that, we can’t fail. Just as you didn’t fail Katerina. She knew you loved her, and though I know you wish she had lived, it’s not your fault she didn’t. It really, truly isn’t. I want you to believe that.”

  He smiled at her, his heart opening so wide it hurt. The love was overwhelming once he let it in, and the fear faded by degrees until all it could do was sit in a corner and look out at the unfolding scene. Fear would always be there, he knew, but it wasn’t the biggest thing in the room anymore.

  “I will try to believe it, lyubimaya moya. For you.”

  “No,” she said fiercely. “For you.”

  “Yes,” he said. “For me.” Because she was right. Because she knew him so well, and loved him so much, and because he wasn’t afraid to face his fear any longer.

  Dallas in winter was far more pleasant than St. Petersburg. The temperatures were mild compared to the subzero temperatures of Russia. And yet Paige missed Russia, too. She missed the huge, elegant Voronov Palace and she missed the winter troika rides. But they would return in the early spring, when snow was still on the ground and the weather was not so severe.

  “The baby is asleep,” Emma announced as she returned from the room where she’d taken little Katerina for a nap.

  “She’s a good baby,” Paige said. “She hardly fusses at all.”

  Emma sat down on the couch beside her. “She is so perfect, Paige. You are very lucky.”

  Paige smiled. She was lucky. Lucky to have her wonderful baby and lucky to have a husband she adored. A husband who bought her a house in Dallas and moved them there for the winter because he knew she was homesick.

  The house he’d bought for them wasn’t as vast as Paige had feared it might be, because she’d begged him to find something approximating normal. And he had. They’d found a gorgeous classical architecture house in the historic district that she absolutely loved. The trees would be huge and shady in summer and the front porch ran the full length of the home. There was plenty of room for furniture and sitting out in the evenings when the weather warmed a little bit more.

  She’d had to explain the Southern tradition of sitting out on the front porch and greeting neighbors to Alexei. He hadn’t exactly understood the necessity, but he’d kissed her and told her that whatever she wanted, he would get for her.

  Emma glanced toward the patio. “Are they still out there?”

  Paige laughed. “Yes. I believe Chad is explaining how to smoke a whole hog in a pit.” She’d heard them talking when she’d gone into the kitchen to refresh her drink.

  Emma rolled her eyes. “They’re supposed to be grilling steaks. How did that happen?”

  “I’m not sure, but Chad seems determined to teach Alexei what it means to be a true Texan. Barbecue is high on the list, it would seem.”

  In the last eight months, Alexei had made good on his promise to contact Chad and Elena. He and Chad were slowly building a relationship, though it couldn’t be called easy or smooth by any means. Unfortunately Elena was a bitter woman who would probably carry her disapproval of Alexei and his mother to her grave. Alexei did not seem to care, which was a relief to Paige even if it hurt her that the woman couldn’t acknowledge her nephew.

  Chad, however, seemed eager to get to know his cousin once he’d gotten over the shock of Alexei actually offering an olive branch. Alexei hadn’t told Chad what his father had done, nor would he. Paige understood, and though she already loved Alexei to
distraction, that single act of nobility and selflessness made her so proud to be his wife.

  He was a good, good man.

  “Chad told me that Alexei offered him a position overseeing the American branch of his operations,” Emma said, twisting a lock of her long hair as she did so.

  “I believe the man who’d been in the position retired recently,” Paige replied. “And Chad has the experience.”

  “Thank you for talking him into it,” Emma said. “It means a lot to us both.”

  “I didn’t talk him into anything, Emma. And Alexei would do nothing to harm his business. If he offered the job to Chad, then he believes Chad is right for the position.”

  Emma stretched, grinning. “Whatever. I don’t care so long as it means we can finally be married.”

  Just then, the men came back into the house, speaking rapidly in a combination of Russian and English. Chad carried a platter of steaks in one hand and a beer in the other. Alexei was loaded down with grilling implements that he dumped into the sink.

  They spent the evening eating, talking and laughing together like a group of old friends. Paige glanced over at Alexei, loving the way he was so animated and open, the way he seemed to truly take pleasure in Chad’s company. It was a far cry from the way the two men had once looked at each other across a table.

  Later, while Chad and Emma carried the dishes into the kitchen, Alexei turned to her. His expression changed, became possessive and sensual as his hungry gaze slipped over her. Her insides liquefied, softened. She wanted him as much, if not more, than she ever had. When he looked at her like that, like she was everything in the world to him, she melted.

  He leaned toward her, kissed her softly—much more softly than she would have liked when she was absolutely on fire for him.

  “Thank you,” he said.

  She wrapped her arms around his neck, unwilling to let him go just yet. “For what?”

  “For making my life so much more than I ever thought possible.”

  Her heart swelled with love and longing. “I’m not done yet,” she murmured. “I have a lot more to show you. Starting as soon as our guests have left.”