Behind the Palace Walls Page 15

  She’d known from the beginning, when she was trying so hard not to let her heart do something stupid and fall in love, that he had a core of loneliness he would not allow her to reach. It was his shield, his armor against the world.

  She imagined breaking through it one day, imagined how it would be if he allowed himself to be completely free. She’d tried to talk to him about Chad and Elena a few times, but he shoved the conversation expertly aside each time. He didn’t grow angry, the way he once had, but he also refused to allow it to take place.

  Paige started up the steps, deciding that she’d spied on him long enough. He turned at the sound of her footsteps. His silver eyes, clouded with some emotion, cleared when he saw her.

  “You have enjoyed your walk?” he asked.

  She went to his side and leaned against the balustrade. “I did. It’s quite refreshing to be able to enjoy a summer stroll without needing to shower and change afterward.”

  “It is very hot in Dallas now, isn’t it?”

  “Definitely. If I were there, I’d be inside with the AC cranked up on high and a glass of iced tea in my hand.”

  His smile was tender. “Don’t let this weather fool you. We are located on the Gulf of Finland, so we do get hot and humid days during summer.”

  “I’ll take a few days over several months,” she said.

  “Come, sit down and have some water.” He took her hand and pulled her to the table. A crystal pitcher filled with sparkling water and sliced lemons sat on a cart beside it. He poured some into a goblet and handed it to her.

  “Is everything okay, Alexei?” she asked after the silence stretched out between them.

  He turned back to her, seeming to hesitate before speaking. She thought he would tell her that nothing was wrong, but he said, “Today is the fifteenth anniversary of my sister’s death.”

  A little pang of feeling pierced her heart. He hadn’t spoken of his sister since the first night when they’d eaten dinner together. Did this mean he was opening up to her? Or was she reading too much into it?

  Her heart wanted to think he was beginning to feel for her the way she felt for him, but her head was more cautious.

  “I’m sorry, Alexei. Do you want to talk about it?”

  A gentle breeze stirred, blowing a napkin open where it lay on the table. Paige folded it over again and waited.

  “Katerina had leukemia,” he finally said. “She died because we couldn’t afford the experimental treatment that might have saved her.”

  Her heart pinched. “I’m so sorry. That must have been hard for you and your mother.”

  “There was only me. My mother had advanced Alzheimer’s by this time. She never knew what happened. She followed Katerina into the grave three years later. I am the only one left to remember any of them.”

  “There is still your aunt,” she offered. She knew it was a risk, but she wanted him to realize that he really wasn’t alone in this world. That he had the power to change things for them all. People made mistakes, but no one remained static over the years. His aunt might regret the way she’d felt about his mother now that she was older.

  Alexei’s face grew hard, closed off, and she knew she’d made a mistake.

  Paige simply couldn’t imagine cutting herself off from all her living family the way he had. She needed Emma, not just because they were sisters, but also because she saw her mother’s beauty and grace in her sister’s smile. Families were living reminders of those who had gone before.

  But he did not see things the same as she did, and it saddened her.

  “There is no possibility of reconciliation, Paige.”

  Stop right now, don’t say it. But she couldn’t leave it without stating the truth.

  “Tim Russell is dead. Why let what he did stand between you and your family?”

  “They are not my family.” Alexei’s voice cracked between them like a whip. Then he closed his eyes for a moment. “I’m sorry,” he said when he opened them again. “It’s not your fault.”

  Paige stood and went to him, wrapping her arms around his waist and burying her head against his chest. She couldn’t stand to see him hurt, and she couldn’t stand when she caused it by picking at his wounds. “I’m sorry, too. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

  Just when she thought he might push her away, his arms came around her and he squeezed her tight. “I know this.”

  “I just want to understand, Alexei.” She wanted to understand so many things: why he was so adamant, why he couldn’t let go of the past, why he kept himself closed in—and why, in spite of everything, she’d fallen in love with him.

  His chest rumbled against her ear. “There is nothing to understand. It simply is.”

  Alexei couldn’t sleep. Beside him, Paige’s even breathing told him she’d had no such problem. Outside, the sky was white, but he had no idea what time it was. It could be midnight or it could be 3:00 a.m. They were in the middle of the Beliye Nochi, or White Nights, that St. Petersburg was famous for.

  He pushed the covers back and got up, padding naked to the window to pull the thick curtains back and gaze at the sky.

  Katerina had died on a night like this, when the sun never set and the world seemed bright and filled with eternal summer.

  But there was no eternal summer, for Katerina or for anyone. There was only a short season between dark, frozen, barren ones.

  It scared him, that knowledge. It was why he’d refused to grow close to anyone else after the passing of his family. You couldn’t hurt when you didn’t care.

  But Paige had taken that comfort away from him. Though he’d tried not to let it happen, she had grown important to him. He’d known when he’d returned to her side that night so many weeks ago that he was taking a chance. That once he touched her, he would not be able to let go.

  She was all he needed. Paige and the baby. He did not need to reach out to Chad and Elena, though she wanted him to do so.

  He only needed her. And he needed to explain to her why he could not cross that chasm, and why he’d had to destroy Russell Tech. The real reason, not the partial one he’d already told her. He wanted her to understand, and he wanted at last to tell another living person what he’d never said before. He needed to do so.

  “Alexei?”

  He turned to find her pushed up on one elbow, squinting toward the window. He let the curtain fall. “I’m sorry I woke you.”

  “No, it’s fine. Please open the curtain again.” She climbed from the bed and donned a robe while he did as she asked. She came to his side, yawning, and slipped an arm around his waist. “I’d heard about this, but it’s hard to believe it never gets dark until you see it. It’s the most amazing thing.”

  He was looking at the top of her dark head, her thick hair mussed from sleep and lovemaking, when she gazed up at him. “No, you are,” he said softly.

  She smiled, and his world lit from within. “You always know the right thing to say.”

  “Do I?”

  “You must. You talked me into kissing you when I didn’t know you, and you kept right on talking me into things until we ended up here.”

  “Perhaps I should have gone into politics.”

  Her smile grew more radiant, if that were possible. “It’s probable we’d have world peace right this instant if you had.”

  Alexei grew serious. “I don’t always know the right thing to say, angel moy”

  “Perhaps not, but I’d wager you usually do.”

  If only that were true.

  “When Katerina was dying, I went to Dallas,” he said quickly, before he could change his mind.

  The arm she’d wrapped around his waist tightened, as if she knew what he was about to say. She could not know, but he loved the way she sensed his turmoil. It comforted him, gave him the strength to continue.

  “I went to see Tim Russell. I asked for his help, Paige. But he would not give it. He told me the Voronovs were dead to his wife, and therefore dead to him.”

  Her
eyes glistened. “Oh, Alexei, I’m so sorry.”

  “She died in agony, because I could not save her. I tried, but I couldn’t.”

  “It’s not your fault,” she said fiercely. Tears rolled down her cheeks now, and he cursed himself for making her cry. Why had he burdened her with this? He’d wanted to share it, but now that he had, he wished he could take it back. Anything to return the smile to her face.

  “I’ve never told anyone what happened,” he said thickly. “I didn’t tell Katerina. It would have done her no good.”

  “You’ve carried this around by yourself for fifteen years? Oh, Alexei.” She shook her head. “Why are you so stubborn?”

  He blinked. Stubborn? Was he? “I had no reason to tell anyone, lyubimaya moya. This is not stubbornness.”

  She turned to him, put her hands on either side of his face. “But it is. You can’t keep this kind of thing inside. It eats at you if you do. It’s not healthy.”

  He put his hands over hers. “I’m not keeping it inside anymore, am I? You know—and now you know why I can never forgive the Russells. They took far more than land and money.”

  She lifted herself on tiptoe and pressed her mouth to his. He tasted the salt of her tears, and it sliced him open deep inside, both the knowledge he’d made her cry and the fact she was crying for him.

  When she pulled back, her beautiful face was sad. He wanted to take her back to bed and make her forget everything he’d just told her. Why had he done it? And why did he feel as if a weight had been lifted now that he’d done so?

  “You have to let this go,” she said softly. “It’s killing you.”

  He knew what she meant and he stiffened. “No, it has given me purpose. It has driven me to be what I am now.” He spread his arms wide, encompassing their plush surroundings. “Without that purpose, I might not have any of this. And though I would trade it all for Katerina’s life in a minute, I would not change what I have done to get here. Or what I will continue to do to keep this empire for you and our child.”

  “I don’t want it at the expense of you,” she cried. “Nothing is as important as—”

  She stood there with wide eyes, her bottom lip trembling.

  His heart thumped. “As important as what, Paige?”

  “As you are to me,” she finally said. “I love you, Alexei. Surely you know that by now.”

  His chest hurt. Absolutely hurt. Her words filled the empty corners of his soul, made him ache with the sweetness and pain of it. She wasn’t the first woman to say those words to him, and yet something about them coming from her was different.

  Why?

  A thread of panic began to unwind in his gut. How could he allow this to happen? Objectively he could say he needed her. That being with her made him happier than he’d been in a very long time. That hearing these words from her completed a missing part of him.

  But emotionally he couldn’t face the truth of it. Because need and love meant loss and pain and uncertainty. He’d vowed never to allow someone else’s existence to determine his happiness. He knew from bitter experience that it would not turn out well.

  “Aren’t you going to say anything?” she asked, and he realized he’d remained silent too long. She searched his face, and though he wasn’t certain what she saw there, he knew it wasn’t what she wanted because the weight of sorrow bracketed her mouth once more.

  “What do you wish me to say?” As if he didn’t know. But he couldn’t do it, couldn’t tell her something that he feared would swallow him whole if he said it. The words wouldn’t come—and he wasn’t sure he wanted them to.

  She clutched her robe tighter around her body. “Nothing, Alexei. Nothing at all.”

  “You need to sleep,” he said gruffly. Because he’d hurt her again, and because he hated doing so. “The baby needs you to be healthy.”

  She flinched as if he’d hit her. “The baby. Yes, of course.” Her hand had settled over her abdomen.

  He didn’t know what to say. It was within his power to reverse this. To tell her what she wanted to hear and to make her smile again. But it was impossible to do so.

  She walked over to the bed and shed her robe. He followed, turning her in his arms and hauling her close before she could lie down again. Her body was stiff with rejection and he thought, for a moment, it would kill him.

  “I’m tired,” she said softly, her voice heavy with emotion.

  He held her for a moment longer, his heart thumping in his breast like a trapped eagle beating its wings against a cage. He knew what he needed to say, what would make everything right again—

  He let her go. And then, because he deserved the torture, he spent the rest of the night beside her, not touching her, knowing she was lying as far from him as she could possibly get without falling out of the bed.

  When Paige woke the next morning, Alexei was gone. It wasn’t the first morning she’d awakened and he wasn’t there, but this morning was different. She knew it in her bones. After last night, after her stupidity in confessing her love to him, she’d known he would be gone.

  But part of her had hoped he wouldn’t be. She’d let her emotions get the best of her, when he’d told her with such pain in his voice about his sister and about Chad’s father’s cruelty to them. She’d hated Tim Russell for him in that moment.

  She’d understood, in a way she’d have never thought possible, what had driven him to ruin Russell Tech. And it horrified her, feeling those emotions. If it horrified her after feeling it for only a few minutes, what must it be like to live with that feeling for fifteen years?

  She’d wanted him to understand how damaging those emotions were, but she hadn’t meant to tell him she loved him. Not yet. It was too new, too fragile, and she’d feared he didn’t feel the same way. They’d had a wonderful few weeks together, but that wasn’t enough to build a lifetime of love on.

  Paige groaned as she stood in front of the mirror, brushing her hair. The look on his face when she’d told him she loved him—oh, God. You’d have thought she’d told him the world was ending tomorrow at noon he’d looked so horrified.

  He didn’t love her, didn’t need her. He’d married her for the baby, and he enjoyed the sex. Sometimes, he even enjoyed the companionship.

  But why had he told her about the dark things in his life if he didn’t care?

  Paige dropped the brush and whirled from the mirror before she drove herself insane. She didn’t understand anything about the man she’d married. Just when she thought she did, he stunned her with the evidence that she’d had it all wrong. When he’d told her she needed to sleep for the sake of the baby, she’d felt like he’d slapped her. She’d been stunned, hurt and numb.

  When he’d tried to hold her, she’d wanted to be in his arms—and yet she’d known she couldn’t survive it. She’d hated the way they’d ended last night. She’d hated lying on the edge of the bed, aching for him to touch her and knowing he would not once she’d rejected him. Knowing that she would fall apart if he did so. Because he didn’t love her, and she loved him desperately.

  And now he was gone and she was cursing herself for spilling her love so carelessly. If she’d said nothing, they would have continued the way they had been.

  But, she asked herself angrily, was that enough? Didn’t she deserve more?

  She emerged into their suite to find a maid setting the table outside on the terrace with a full breakfast. She wasn’t sure she was all that hungry, but for the baby’s sake she knew she needed to eat.

  “Dobroye Utro,” she said to the woman, who curtsied and returned the greeting before picking up her tray and hurrying away.

  A cream envelope lay beside her plate. She picked it up and sliced it open with a butter knife. She already knew what it was. The only mystery was how he would phrase the need for his absence.

  Have to go into Moscow this morning. Will return tonight. Alexei She stared toward the Gulf of Finland in the distance, her insides churning with a riot of love, pain and fury. The mor
ning sunshine sparkled on the water like millions of winking diamonds. Would one night turn into two? Would it become a week, and then a month, and then two months before she saw him again? Had she chased him away with her naive declaration?

  Because how could a man like Alexei love her? He was handsome, successful and utterly ruthless with his enemies. He’d married her out of a sense of duty, nothing more. No matter what he said to the contrary, he belonged with a woman like the Countess Kozlova—someone elegant and accustomed to his world.

  No. That was ridiculous. She was being emotional and stupid and, worse, indulging in self-pity. Paige crumpled the envelope in her fist before she set it on the table and smoothed it flat again.

  There was a fluttering in her stomach, so soft and light that she ignored it at first. And then it happened again. It felt like a tiny bird, like a butterfly. She realized with a sense of wonder that it was her baby moving.

  Her resolve hardened. No more self-pity. No more waiting on the sidelines for Alexei to figure out how he felt.

  Because she was worthy of love, and she was worthy of this man. And she was not about to let him evade her this time.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  IT HADN’T BEEN easy to get to Moscow, but Paige had refused to take no for an answer. First, she’d ordered a car to go shopping—without Mariya there, she’d managed to get away without a security detail. Then she’d made the driver take her to the airport where she’d found an English-speaking ticket agent—in truth, they all seemed to speak English—and bought a ticket to Moscow on the earliest flight she could get.

  She had a bit of difficulty finding a driver to take her to Voronov Exploration’s headquarters, but she finally managed that as well. Now, she sat in the limo speeding into Moscow and wondered if she’d gone too far.

  Alexei would be furious. Her heart had been racing since she’d begun the journey, and now her stomach was upset as well. A sharp pang sliced beneath her kidney, nearly doubling her over. She should have eaten something more than a boiled egg and a glass of milk.